About angegardienn

Ordinary girl in a big big world.

踏入社會的第一年

轉眼我已經工作了一年多,
這一年大概是過得最快的一年。
我的生活分為兩部份;
在高空和在地上。

還記得開始時內心的不安,
緊張自己做得不夠好、擔心別人不滿意自己、在意別人的眼光和言語⋯⋯
時間慢慢地磨練內心的堅強,
我學會了疲倦時給自己打氣,
在外地一個人學會了獨立,
在酒店一個人時學會不怕和恐怖傳聞中的東西共存,
在飛機上工作學會好好保護自己(狹窄的環境經常很容易弄傷自己)
遇上不好的同事和客人時學會掛上一個虛偽的笑容。
這些大概是我這一年為我學到已感到驕傲的。

說真的,誰沒有試過感到身心累透的感覺?
凌晨起床化妝上班,看到在鏡中的自己會被疲倦蒼白的樣子嚇到。
早上下班回家的路上就是別人起床上班的時候,也是我回家洗澡補眠的時候。
半夜醒來,會問自己到底今天是星期幾?是不是又要上班?仿佛對時間失去觀念。
晚上當別人都準備睡覺時,我穿著制服拖著兩個沉重的行李上班,是一種莫名其妙的空虛落漠。
別人看到的只是風光的一面:「很羨慕你啊又可以飛長途環遊世界」,
但每份工作風光的背後也有辛酸,我的工作更不外如是。

這份工作帶給我很多寶貴的經驗,
但是正正因為有很多獨處和休息的時間,
也給的很多思考人生的時候。
首先,這份工作令我認識很多不同性格的人,聽到很多不同的故事。
雖然每次聊天的時間不長,
但我在每個人身上也學到一點點東西和得著。
當然,工作也會遇上心地不好的人。
心情當然不好,也有過想哭的情緒,
但是當我看出機傖的天空,世界是多麼大,
他只是一個微不足道的人,自己對人生不滿意就對別人不好是多麼悲哀呀。
所以,現在的我內心比較去年是強大了。
心境真的會決定一切,若然你堅信會有好的事情發生,就一定會有。

記得我聽過某同事最近飛一班航班,
有一位五十多歲的爸爸和家人一行九人去旅行。
爸爸在飛機的途中去完廁所後暈倒失去知覺,
同事們給他做心外壓和心臟去顫器,
最後也沒有醒來。
飛機降落後,醫護人員都上來抬走那個爸爸,
所有人,機組人員,爸爸的兒女、老婆、他的爸媽⋯⋯全部人都哭了。
誰有想像過這一趟旅程,本來是九個人笑著去,最後竟然是八個人哭著回來?
所以,珍惜眼前人。
這一年大部份時間都離開家遠走,
確實是很享愛自己一個獨來獨往,在陌生城市探險的感覺,
但是人大了,真的開始有種會想家的感覺。

我很感恩這份工作帶給我的所有感動,
第一次在巴黎街道走著抬頭看到巴黎鐵塔的感動;
第一次在悉尼主教堂外站著聽表演者彈奏著情歌的感動;
第一次在南非看到獅子大象在大草原奔跑的感動;
第一次在瑞士登上雪山俯瞰雲海的感動;
第一次在外地有哥哥接我下班的感動;
第一次在男朋友乘坐我的航班當我乘客的感動;
還有很多很多第一次⋯⋯

雖然我不知道我對這份工作的熱誠會持續多久,
但是我知道有一天不能再在十萬尺高空工作的時候,
我一定會依依不捨。
所以,希望我今晚寫的文字能提醒日後的我,
如果有一天想走,請勇敢下決定相信自己,但不要忘記每一次飛行旅程遇上的人和事。

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Long Distance Relationship (LDR)

LDR – love/hate.

LDR is interesting. It tortures you with hours of waiting and months of count down; all of a sudden it overwhelms you with massive excitement just like a heart attack. The moment you see him walking out from the corner at the gate, O.M.G. *Butterflies in my stomach* With the exhaust of travelling half across the world for 15+ hours, he finally comes to soothe my heart and hugs me in his arms again. Time flies when we spend our time together, moments when I look at his happy face with his fingers fit in mine tightly, I just wish time could freeze at that particular moment, forever. And when it comes to goodbye, it actually never get any easier when he kiss me goodbye, and I watch his back turning away from me, every single time. But after all the bitterness, I can’t get rid of my addition to his unlimited sweetness. I love him so much that I dream of him in my future every night, and I think that’s the reason why I am patiently waiting for him to come back home.

Everything has its time

Ecclesiastes 3 New King James Version (NKJV)

Everything Has Its Time

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
    And a time to die;
A time to plant,
    And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
    And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
    And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
    And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
    And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
    And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
    And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
    And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
    And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
    And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
    And a time to speak;
A time to love,
    And a time to hate;
A time of war,
    And a time of peace.

“Everything has its time. He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Distance is a test to see how far love can travel

“Now the minutes feel like hours,
And the hours feel like days…
You’re so far,
This long distance is killing me,
I wish that you were here with me…
But we’re stuck where we are,
It’s so hard, You’re so far…”

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I still remember how I waited out those long sleepless nights for months all for one kiss,
how many times I replayed saved voicemails over and over again just to hear your voice again,
stalked my mailbox in hopes of getting a love letter from you…

Even though you may be thousand miles away,
you are the first and last I thought every day and every night. 

Sometimes, my eyes turned red from the sleepless nights,
cos I kept imagining the scene when I see you again,
I can’t wait to be in your arms, yet I’m anxious…
I doubt whether we would stay the same after separating for such a long time. 

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Many people say true love couldn’t be separated by distance.
Unless you had experienced long distance relationship, 
you could hardly imagine the pain of emptiness and desperation of physical love.
How you wished to be in his arms, and feeling safe from the harm…
How you wished you could crawl through the freaking computer screen and kiss him…

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Time difference is inevitable in a long distance relationship.
You start to looking at the clock and automatically calculating what time it is where he is.
Planning a Skype date always end in “your time or my time?”
Sometimes, you would stay up all night just to talk to each other,
and wishing you have the power to freeze the time so that you could spend more time with each other.
Whenever you go, you wish he was there to share your happiness and sadness.
But in reality, you could just tell yourself, “wait a little longer… it worths the wait.”
So you keep the faith, and wait…

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Long distance relationship is sweet, yet bitter.
Joy of long distance love is sweet while both of you are trying not to give up.
Some love will grow stronger than the distance is in between,
some love starts to fade away as time passes, especially when you guys are apart.

We lived at different time zone,
busying on reaching our own goals and meeting different people at different places.
Our love was like two parallel lines, waiting to cross again.
I don’t remember when exactly we start to fall apart, 
but I remember those nights at 4am, you were sleeping, I’m crying…
my world fell apart all of a sudden, your face, your voice, your smell starts to fade away…
Tear after tear, mile after mile,
I wished you were there to wipe away my tears. 

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So I started to kept yourself busy with things to do, hoping to get him off my mind.
But every time I paused, I still thought of you. 
I thought our heart were still connected even we were miles and miles apart,
Until one or both sides of you stopped trying and gave up…
Too tired, too stressed, too much tears…
Disconnected. 
It hurts, so badly.

and we never saw each other again. 

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Out of sight, hard to get out of my mind. I missed you, our memories, us…

Love is like a bus stop, ready to get aboard passengers?

He once told me that love is like a bus stop.
People come and go, you could get aboard if you are ready for it at the bus stop.
I once thought getting on a right bus is easy… until I realized some buses just never get you to the right destination, no matter how beautiful the scenery was throughout the journey.

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When the bus comes, you looked at it and said,
“This is so full, I mustn’t find a seat… I’ll wait for the next one.”
So you watched the bus go and waited for the second bus.

Then here comes the second bus, you said to yourself,
“The seats are comfortable, but it doesn’t have air-con… I’d better wait for the next one!” Again, you let the bus go and decided to wait for another one.

Here comes the third bus with air-con, comfy seats, and a generous driver wearing a warm smile that melted your heart.
“Hmm… I think this is the one!” So you jumped onto the bus filled with expectations.
There were ups and downs, bumpy roads, yet fascinating sceneries all the way which brought you great smiles. Out of the blue, not until much later you found out that you had boarded onto the wrong bus… 

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The moment you got off the bus, the sky started to get dark.
You felt so panic and frustrated because you wasted your time and money waiting for what you want. Even the bus had air-con, it was too cold for you even you have tried to stand any longer… so you wonder, will I ever get on a right bus that take me to my dream destination?

But wait… somehow I realized, you gotta learn to press the red button by taking the wrong bus to a wrong destination, in order to get on the right one. Through the entire bus journey, each and every unique scenery will be captured in your mind. No matter it was good or bad, someday when you look back, I’m sure you’ll smile and feel thankful for the experiences. 

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Love is all about patience… if you miss the bus, you’ll catch another one.
Similarly, if you love someone set him/her free. If he/she comes back to you, you know they’re yours. If they don’t then it was never meant to be. If you’re ready to find love, don’t hurry, come and wait with me, I’m sure we can find the right bus and never get off. After the dark, it’s another sunny day. =)

Connections

If I disappear, will you look for me?

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Have you ever met somebody in your life whom you thought you would stay close with forever, but all of a sudden, they just disappear from your life? We used to stay very close. We shared secrets, laughters, and you even wiped my tears and you witnessed my ups and downs.

What made us fall apart? Time? Misunderstanding? People? I am not sure about it either… I just remember our relationship faded away slowly and we weren’t even noticing. I don’t feel mad at you. I am just disappointed with our fragile connection. Somehow I think at the next life milestone, we meet a new bunch of people. There is always good lesson in meeting new people, it enlarges your social circle of friends. But please don’t forget those who have been there for you at your downs, they are irreplaceable.

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I wish I could grow old with my close friends. We text everyday, hangout and talk sometimes. We become bridesmaids of each other and throwback to those beautiful moments we have had when we were young. One day, maybe we could even bring our grandchildren along and they would ask, “How long have you been friends?” And we’ll smile and say, “Almost forever.”

It’s hard to sustain a close relationship with a friend. You used to stick with each other everyday, and when time passes by, you both meet new people in different social groups, discuss in different topics and live different lives.

I always believe life is completed when one have found the following 3 elements:
1. Complete family (your parents and siblings)
2. Soulmate (wife/husband)
3. A few best friends
Family is a lifetime, lovers are eternity and best friends are forever. Life cannot be happier when you achieve all of 3 elements, right?

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When we grow up, it is normal to overcome several disappointments and heartbreaks from friendships and relationships. As always, hard time always reveal true friends. How do you identify? Easy. True friends always find a way to help you, fake friends always find excuses.
“Some people are like dark clouds, when they disappear, it’s a brighter day. Know when it’s time to let go. Removing negative people from your life doesn’t mean you hate them, it just mean you love yourself more.”

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True friendship needs both parties to pay effort and motivation to maintain. If either of parties fail to work on it, it falls apart easily like what I have said at the beginning. May you not afraid to let out your feelings to them and tell them how much they mean to you. All those bits and pieces of crazily insane, thrilling, heartbreaking memories that you overcame together are worthy when you both look back one day. Start from now, capture down all the moments you spend with your beloved ones, live with no regrets. May true friends stay together and never say goodbye…

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Be a wise Emotions Collector

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Today is a tiring day. I met a lot of inspiring people.  The roads that they are walking made me wonder about the path of my mysterious future. With all the uncertainties ahead, I wish a fairy could come up to me and point me to different right directions.

However, reality doesn’t allow fantasy to appear as we usually wish. We have to take risks and walk every steps carefully alone. Sometimes, a guardien angel from nowhere may guide you through hard times. But at most of the time, you have to deal it by yourselves.

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We experience different things and face different people every day. Either it sucks or it brightens up your day. You meet people with different unique characteristics. They may like you, or hurt you. That is why our emotions fluctuate from time to time.

Today, I am described to be an emotions collector. Well, I wonder if I should regard this as a postive or negative term? Lol Anyways, emotions collector means your emotions are easily trapped and recalled every time you think of a particular person/an experience that you overcame even after a long period of time. Little things could make me happy, while minor stuffs could also make me feel sad for a whole day at the same time. Most of the time, I just wish somebody could come over and give me a hug, telling me everything’s gotta be fine.

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To be carefree and happy, all we have to do is to let go. It is easy to say it while it’s hard to actually DO it. Letting go of emotions are not easy, especially when you drag on the memories that you wish to stay. But you gotta admit in the reality, those memories that you drag on actually doesn’t exist anymore, never and ever. Happy memories are surely deserved to be retained,  while the disturbing ones will just trouble you meaninglessly.

Therefore, I wish, I could learn to be a little stronger every day. May God be with me as always, grant me confidence and walk through the shades. Guys, lets just hang in there for a while more. You will be fine. I promise.

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